Monday, March 31, 2008

Not of flesh and blood

Ephesians 6:12

12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

This is the verse of the day. After all of the battles going on in our home, I get it now! The Lord has shown me that I can fight and fight with my husband all day, or my children, but the battle is not between me and them, it is between the spiritual forces of evil. Now I can change my prayers, to prayers of protection, prayers of understanding, prayers of submission to the Lord. Right now I feel like David in the battle with the Giant, Goliath. (Thanks Susan for sharing with me about that story.) It is a huge giant, ugly, bearing down on us, roaring it's ugly head. All I need to do is stand up in faith, trusting in the Lord for deliverance. He's won the battle, it's not my battle but the Lords and it has been won. He will be glorified, His name will be known, He will be praised.

Friday, March 28, 2008


Dictionary meaning of precarious:

1. dependent on circumstances beyond one's control; uncertain; unstable; insecure: a precarious livelihood.
2. dependent on the will or pleasure of another; liable to be withdrawn or lost at the will of another: He held a precarious tenure under an arbitrary administration.
3. exposed to or involving danger; dangerous; perilous; risky: the precarious life of an underseas diver.
4. having insufficient, little, or no foundation: a precarious assumption.

That is how I'm feeling today. There is so much going on right now, some of it self imposed, some of it just by others circumstances that affect me. My oldest daughter, now 16, is usually on the forefront of my mind. She is so creative, so talented, yet it seems to be wasted and I have no idea how she will end up. It is so hard not to think about tomorrow when you have a teenager living in your home. I feel that she is often tormented by things and I alone cannot ease her pain. She knows the Lord, yet I can see her searching, seeking, hoping for something to rescue her. I know that look, that pain. You have to go through it yourself to recognize it. I pray for her to reach out to Jesus and only Him. It breaks my heart to watch her, yet I know the Lord has her in His hands. She is precious to the Lord, as she is to me.

I am in search of a part time job right now. I dropped off an application at a Starbucks a couple of days ago and it sounded very promising but I was feeling apprehensive. Whatever job I take I will (hopefully) stay at for many years to come. When I was younger I never thought too much about the future but I desire to be a reliable and loyal and long lasting employee. I want to be at the right place, it's important and I appreciate stability now. So I was praying to God that I did not want to go where He was not. I got in the car and the song that goes something like this came blasting on, "I don't wanna go somewhere, if I know that you're not there; cause I know that me without you is a lie". That was cool! I started laughing, when God is in the small things like that I couldn't ask for more from Him. He is there, in every thing, in every moment, in every care. Gotta love Him!

I am in the middle of a program at our church called Step Studies. It is based on the Celebrate Recovery program and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our church used to be involved in the CR program but they've pulled away and are now making it even more Christ centered. We still use the 12 steps, we still give out chips and we still have sponsors and group leaders. I started the program a year ago because I had issues with codependency, food addiction, fear, pride and childhood abuse. This program, no actually, Jesus has changed my life! I was for so many years tied up in religion and legalism. For the past 12 years I have been on a journey, I've gone through many phases of my knowledge of God. I've known Him since I was 7 but then I headed straight into rebellion when I was 13. So for 12 years (after that) I was walking away from Him, but for the past 12 years I have been walking towards Him. He has constantly been by my side but I was plagued by years of legalism. This past year I have been freed from so many chains of bondage and my relationship with Christ is like it never has been before. I am powerless, God is All Powerful - it's all about Him, never about me. I am currently serving as a leader in the Step Study. I have 3 amazing sponsees and an sister in Christ that serves along with me, her name is Kelli. I have seen God move in a mighty way in these ladies. I am so grateful to be a part of this amazing program, God is so Good. So this is another thing I am involved in, another thing that takes me away from my family. But I am thankful for it and I trust that God has put everything in my path for His greater purpose and glory. Never my own.

Brian (dear husband) is traveling to Connecticut right now. He travels Sunday afternoon until late Thursday night. So I am in a sense a single mom while he's away. It's at times a heavy burden to bear. Having all of the day to day responsibilities on my shoulders. Yet he is a phone call away. He has 2 more weeks left in Connecticut then he'll be off for 2 weeks then he'll travel to Phoenix for a while. That is not as difficult because his travel time is usually Monday morning till Thursday evening.

I guess I say I feel precarious because life is precarious if you think about it. I do have freedom of choice but since I am a Believer I should take up the Cross and follow Christ. It is no longer about me but about my walk with Him, following His lead, doing His will. I wouldn't say I'm insecure (like one of the precarious definitions) but once I realized that my life really is in God's ands that made me feel vulnerable, but in a good way. I think in a, I fear God way. When you think about how big He is, how everything is filtered through Him and how He holds the earth and the waters and even the universe in His hands, that tends to cause you to feel a bit precarious.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dirt clods and begonias

Yesterday I went out and bought a small 6 pack of begonias. I usually resupply my pots in the back yard with new flowers this time of year. My hands are sore because the pots that were out there had this horribly hard, packed in almost cemented like dirt in them. I had to use a very sharp object to get the dirt out so I could replant. As I was chipping away at the dirt I noticed the stark contrast to the hard, one year old dirt and the fresh new bag of soil from Lowes. As soon as I opened the bag the heaven scent of dirt floated over my face and into my nose, that earthy, lush, life giving smell. I was actually tempted to take a bite and because I could almost taste it on my tongue and for a split second I could understand the children that actually eat dirt! Anyway, back to my story, the ashy like dirt was almost spiritual to me. Looking at that God showed me where I had come from and where I will return. He knew me before I was born, yet I am dirt and He sent His only Son to die for me. What a thing to ponder. And as I put the new dirt in the pot and my cute little begonia I was thankful for the beauty of God's creation, the smell of the earth, the details of the flower, the solid but dirty and old pot that made it through the winter without cracking and my hammering at it to get the old out. Just like we are empty vessels, full of dead old dirt clods until Christ comes along and fills us with His blood, His life giving blood that is fresh, and new, and beautiful for all to see. All because of Him I live...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Pile of Rocks

I just decided to copy and paste what I had written back to my cousin David. #1 it's a good thing to post a reminder of God's goodness and #2 because I'm too busy to type up anything else that's going on because I really need to get out to the back yard and back wash the pool, and sweep my floor and empty the dishwasher and clean out the cat box and run errands and all of those lovely things that SAHM's get the privaledge of doing. Love you all!

Hey David,
Thanks for your comment, that was a nice surprise! Since I have a new laptop I haven’t visited your journal and I’m glad you reminded me where it was out there in cyber space.
Anyway, doesn’t it feel right to have a new Easter experience? I have a pile of rocks, well a small pile so far and because this Easter was so “non eventful” but special I added a rock to my pile. (God told the Israelites to get 12 rocks to remind them what He had done for them at the Jordan river.) So that is what I’ve been doing since January, only my rocks probably aren’t as big as their rocks were! So here’s how I do it, I write the date with a sharpie on the bottom of the rock, then I write the date and the significance in a notebook sitting next to the bowl of rocks. A constant reminder of what God is doing in my life. I think I just might make this my journal entry because I keep typing and typing and it only makes sense to because I don’t really have anything else to say for the day, or I’m too lazy to type anything else. But now you see why I think I’m weird. Anyway, thanks again for saying “hi”! God is so good to me!

Here's the link to David's online journal if you're interested and like to read more online journals like these.

Monday, March 24, 2008

If you're interested

This life as a Christian is so adventurous. I feel like I've only just begun in this past year. Although I'm sure I would have told you 5 years ago that I'd only just begun then. But this year I feel like I have been totally freed from religion. Boy is that a load off. I was too busy checking the boxes and making sure I looked good on the outside. I love to journal, I love to write my thoughts so I'm creating this to have another avenue to do just so. I've got a myspace account to keep an eye on Kayla's account but I just can't get into myspace. Blogger seems more my age, my speed.

Yesterday we went to my inlaws for the annual Easter Egg hunt. As my MIL was counting Colin's money she said, "oh I hope the Lord doesn't return while I'm doing this." And I said, "well what would He have to say about the eggs, the bunnies?" She agreed with me, it's all so far removed from the real meaning of Easter. None of us seemed to know where the egg myth and bunny myth came from and how it got integrated into Christ death, burial and resurrection. As I was worshiping at church yesterday I realized that this is the first year Easter felt like any other day. I used to put so much emotion into it, it even felt different, I felt different. And I realized that my walk with the Lord is ALIVE every day, not just one day a year. I didn't even dress up too much. I looked around me and saw so many people dressed up in their best Easter outfits. I hope I am not coming across as a righteous pharisee. I don't think Jesus said anything about our outfits, He was more concerned with our hearts. I felt at peace all day, I was so full of joy to just be alive and for all that He has entrusted to me.

Now today is another story. I have been to 2 different stores to try and find an Ipod Shuffle for Colin. With his Easter money he decided to get one of those. Then we went online to download some of his favorite songs. That was frustrating and I have not a clue about the computer most of the time! I had put all of Kayla's songs on his Ipod and had no clue how I did it or how to get them off. I asked Kayla to help me figure out the iTunes and when this happens I feel so old! Now here I am creating a new blog, half of me wants to throw the computer out the window and the other half loves to be able to do this! Life is strange, with technology and all.

Oh and I realized something yesterday as well. I am weird, well I knew already that I'm weird but weird isn't a bad thing is it? So if I'm weird that means that God is weird, that is if weird is OK and not a sin. What a funny thought that is, that God is weird. It almost sounds sacrilegious, does anyone know that answer to that? Actually I was just thinking, if you look at the animal kingdom, or the fish in the sea, there are some really weird creatures out there and yes God made them. So I think I just answered my own question! Tootles...

Jesus is my Savior
My help in all times of need
A forgiver of my sins
And a lover of my soul
I am in awe of His Glory