Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Simply Today

I love these kinds of blogs so I'm participating today because I love prompts:

Outside my window...birds are chirping (at least 3 different kinds).

I am thinking...I need to get off of the internet.

I am thankful for...my friends and silk long underwear that keeps me warm in the winter.

I am wearing...my pjs and a jacket.

I am creating...a couple of paintings, I need help with a color for one that is almost finished. I think the color is peach (from the original) but my art teacher insists it's tan.

I am going...to take Colin to CC's Pizza today, he gets out of school early.

I am reading...Running Scared by Edward T. Welch.

I am hoping...for my hubby to make a decision about gifts for the Adair family soon.

I am hearing...silence (the birds have already quieted down).

Around the house...dust bunnies are gathering.

One of my favorite things...an unexpected hug from my 11 year old and humility from my 16 year old and all of the laughs provided by my husband.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Yoga, helping to feed the homeless on Thursday, hang out with my kids cause they're out of school and mailing another package.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Leave me a note and tell me about one thing you are thankful for or one of your favorite things.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Gmail confusion

OK, got a new e-mail account and for some reason I can't register the new e-mail with this blog account. It's from the same source, google. What's up google? Does anyone know why or have answers to this puzzling question? I don't want to get a separate e-mail account simply for this blog but then again I don't want to lose this blog. I know there are far more difficult things in life but this one is bothering me at the moment. :-/

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


I have finally opened my eyes to what has been keeping me paralyzed for the past three weeks, FEAR. I am a big chicken, nothing more, nothing less. Well actually yes there is more, I am not trusting in my great God and King with my fears. I am reading a book right now called "Running Scared" by Edward T. Welch. In the second chapter he asks you what your fears are and I started thinking about them (yes there are many) and I was able to see that I have been denying this emotion (or whatever you call it) all along. So I have many fears; mainly fear of the economy, fear of the new president elect and what he will do, fear of confronting other people, etc. Then just a little bit ago I was intercepting a billion calls from insurance agents...so my fear kicked in again. I started to crave sweets because I was denying my fear, so I asked God to help me with these thoughts barraging me. I knew sweets wasn't the answer.

A week ago before realizing I was dealing with fear I got a letter in the mail from John Piper, not a personal letter but the kind of letter where they talk about a certain topic, then they ask for a donation (or not) to be able to receive that CD in the mail. Well the topic was fear, so I went straight ahead to www.desiringgod.com and listened to John's teaching on fear. I wrote down some of the main points and for the past few days I've been trying to memorize Isaiah 41:10 which says, "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I like the part where John says, I am your God - over you. I am with you - by your side. I will strengthen you - from inside you. I will help you - all around you from wherever the enemy comes. I will uphold you - from underneath you.

I am so thankful for friends, a good friend of mine has been praying for me for the past three weeks. She knows my patterns and she felt God prompting her to pray for me. We talked about this today. I can't do this walk alone, no one can. I'm still learning, still growing, still learning to trust in God in all things.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Pain and Suffering

I went to John Piper's conference this weekend and the topic was "Job" (of the Bible). Boy does that man ever know how to dissect Scripture! And surprising to me was that he is very animated and funny! He delights in the things God made and it's fun to hear him talk about those things.

The main point that John made for this teaching was why does God allow suffering when he is a good and loving God? I think what I took away from this seminar was that above all things God is Sovereign. And it is wrong to question God, but we do it anyway! Job was a righteous man, meaning he loved the Lord with all his heart and sought after Him in all things. But God allowed Satan to kill his livestock, his family, to afflict Job with horrible sores for days. (God didn't but allowed Satan to.) Job wasn't perfect and he did question God. Another thing I got out of it is that God will use suffering to bring people together. When you are suffering you call your friends and family more, you reach out and connect more because you feel vulnerable and needy. And mainly when you are suffering you reach out to God more, it draws you closer to Him, you are tested (like Job was) at times to see if you truly mean what you say about your love for Jesus. This is a tip of the iceberg so I encourage you to go to the Desiring God website to listen to Piper's message on Job. www.desiringgod.org

Friday, October 10, 2008

so much to do, so little time

Sorry blog world, I am absolutely overwhelmed with things to do recently. There's 2 parties to attend this weekend and I went to one last weekend, preparations for my testimony on Thursday and a football game this Saturday. Oh and this is the month of October, the BIRTHDAY month. There are 7 birthdays in my family this month, not including my own. That's typically 7 cards, a few gifts and usually about one or two parties. Oh and did you all know that Christmas is coming? So there is that on my mind. Plus we're going to New York for Christmas so then there's the planning I've got to do. When I have a lot of things to do I tend to do very little. I will wait till the very last minute and run around like crazy and get everything done in like 2 hours. It's the "to do" that I don't like, so I procrastinate, I put it off, I wait until I can wait no more. Is there something wrong with that? I guess if I end up forgetting something then that can be a problem, plus I can get stressed trying to get it all done. And we all know stress is no good. I guess in the race of things I end up being the rabbit and I really should be the turtle. But in all honesty, I don't want to do all of these things. I want to be selfish with my time and do nothing else. But that benefits no one except for me so then I feel guilty. So fess up, how are you with deadlines and to do's? Any words of wisdom?

Thursday, October 2, 2008


I am giving my testimony at Recovery at the Village exactly two weeks from tonight, less than two weeks, one week, six days and 22 hours (I think). I have had in the past MAJOR MAJOR stage fright. I'm talking about heart pounding, eyes dilated, can't breath, kind of stage fright and when I talk I sound like a squeaky mouse because my throat is closed off. I am asking for all of your prayers; prayers for God to completely envelope me and to take away the fear, prayers that my testimony is glory given to God and the truth is told in love, prayers against Satan's attacks through sickness, accidents and fear most of all. I am really looking forward to sharing my story in hopes that others can see how amazing God is and how great is His love for us!

I will be sharing my testimony on October 16th at 7:30PM, thanks again.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Migraines & the thorn in my flesh

I have suffered through another migraine this month. It's no fun. No fun at all I tell you. I've cut out caffeine this past month to see if that was the culprit. Well I can say that my migraine was different this time around, it wasn't a heavy, boulder on my head, pressure on all sides, I wanna kill myself migraine. This time it was what they call a cluster migraine. It's only on one side and it feels like it's the size of a golf ball and it is shooting, piercing pain. Often times it takes a couple doses of meds to get rid of it. And believe you me I don't like taking meds so I tried everything to get rid of it. I tried a couple of weird yoga poses, upside down, standing on my head poses...didn't work but it did get my husbands attention! Ha! I tried lying in bed, with silence and no lights on and that did not work. I tried sleeping, that didn't work. I tried taking a cold shower, I was freezing and yet that did not work. So after I was freezing I turned the water to warm and realized that that helped a little so I stood under the very hot water for a while. After that I used a heating pad to try to get the same effect, it helped some but it did not take away the pain. So I finally caved and took some meds, still the next day (today) I have a migraine and that meant med #2. Well it's finally gone, yay! No more pain! But I tell you I have to wonder if this migraine is a thorn in my flesh to keep me from being proud. Like Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. All the while having the pain I pray to God, I spend more time with Him then if I am well. I look forward to Heaven, I do, no more suffering and no more pain. But if getting a migraine keeps me closer to the Lord then I will take the suffering. And I believe this computer is causing me more pain so I better get off now. Sorry to end it so awkwardly. Thanks for prayers my way.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


I just had a funny thought. Well let me back up a little bit more. I was bored and reading through random blogs, no one I knew just looking at blog after blog. One thing I noticed is that there are a lot of blogs out there with moms taking pictures of their babies, toddlers and preschoolers. I think I looked at around 25 blogs and that's what the majority of them were, some newlyweds but mostly blogs about children. I thought it kind of funny how you rarely see a blog about teenagers. Actually I did not see one blog where they had pictures of their teens. I suppose that's natural cause they're not around much when they are teens, but why do you suppose the moms aren't following around the teens with a camera like they are their babies? LOL I know...I need to go to bed and be off the Internet for the day. But just a funny thought to ponder.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Confession Time

Hi to my two readers, lol! I have a confession and I am shameful and embarrassed about it. The thing about confessions is that it helps to make you accountable as well as to receive prayers from those that care about you. Whenever I hear something that is about to occur I always assume the worst about people. If we meet our family for dinner and they've picked the place (which is 99.9% of the time) I automatically assume I am not loved enough to be able to pick. Or if there is a need in my ministry and my name is not mentioned I assume it's because they don't like me or I am not good enough. Or if my hubby mentions something about our kids or our home I automatically assume it's because he's got a problem with it and he's the bad guy. It's like I think everyone is always out to get me, to hurt me, to spite me, to use me. I hate to think that I'm one of those people that always sees things half empty rather than half full but I do believe that is true. I think this has a lot to do with pride. It should always be about me right?! Wrong! It's never about me, it's about Christ. But I'm not really writing here to be preachy I just need prayers and accountability in this area. Thanks so much from your sister in Christ.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Happy Birthday Ralph!!!

To my big brother Ralph, that has been through thick and thin with me, that is always there if I need him, that has the biggest heart in the world! Happy 40th, I love you!!!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Peanut Butter

I just found a new way to eat peanut butter! I grew up on peanut butter (my siblings can testify to this!). We ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day practically. And when we were broke I would eat peanut butter in more ways than you can imagine! I would put it on a sandwich with pickles or with powdered sugar, often I ate it on apples (granny smith are the best), I would eat it with crackers and the peanut butter would seep through the holes if you didn't eat it fast enough. Oh and of course peanut butter on bananas but when I realized that eating peanut butter with ice cream will cause you to gain weight it made me sad because I really liked that combo. But whenever I can't find something to eat in the kitchen I always go back to the peanut butter, just like today; nothing to eat and I don't even have bread but I realized I could put peanut butter on a granola bar. And it was really very yummy, and satisfying. But most of all eating peanut butter reminds me of my humble beginnings and it always reminds me of all the Lord has done for me since then. Is there something in your life that tends to remind you of Jesus every time you are around it (or a person)? I think that's why I always tend to have peanut butter around. It's always good to be reminded of where you come from so you don't get too cocky about where you are.

Peanut butter...who knew???

Monday, September 1, 2008


Today I woke up feeling blue, depressed, down and for no apparent reason! So I thought that I'd post my thanks for everything I can think of. To praise Him and thank Him always changes your heart. Psalm 9:1 "I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds." Here's all that I'm thankful for:

My Lord and Savior
My home
My hubby
...family, church family, Recovery at the Village, chai tea lattes, my cats Arty and Leo, my soft/firm bed, A/C, the birds that I hear every morning and the squirrels running around all day, the turtle that makes it across the road without being run over, freedom to worship and read the Bible, that Jesus made Himself known to me at the tender age of 7, backyard bbq's, Texas heat, blueberries, the wii, soups, sunsets, the beautiful view of the trees outside most every window in my house, the Bible, the gym, leisure time, good health, fire and police departments, a flushing toilet, Mr. Dash (my car!), knockout roses that don't require a bit of maintenance, make up, grocery stores, the internet......

Well I could go on but please don't take my list as a form of boasting, I really am thankful for these these and the point was to change my heart. Well and honestly searching the Scriptures online for a verse to post in here changed my heart and adding the things I'm thankful probably helped too. God is so good! Please share with me the things you're thankful for. I don't mind comments, as a matter of fact I love comments and I wish some of you weren't so shy because I know you're out there reading this blog! And maybe, just probably God will change your heart too by sharing with me and whoever else reads what it is you're thankful for.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

It's been a while

I don't know what's happened around here and why I haven't posted in a week, no wait I do...FOOTBALL! Colin is now playing football for a local league and oh boy is it a time intensive sport! Practice is 3 days a week plus a game on Saturday. So his time has to be very well managed. You know I have always dreaded him playing football because being the accident prone child that he is I figured it wouldn't be long before he'd get hurt again. Well obviously he could get hurt falling up or down the stairs right here in our home so that getting hurt business is really out of my control (he is always in God's hands, not mine!). But I can't tell you how fun it is to watch him practice out there. Yesterday for the first time they actually got to tackle each other and throw the ball and get in each others face! They're so cute, little mini men. So despite the tight new schedule I'm actually enjoying this, probably as much as Colin is! I will try and get a good picture to post here.

In the mean time, pray for safety, pray for my sanity and pray for fun!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Art & the Master

I've learned a new form of art. Actually I've never really done much of any art before so it's very new to me. I'm starting to learn how to paint, impressionism for now. I started with that because it seems very easy on the eyes, a soft look I guess. Plus it seemed to me to be an easy form of art to learn. Ha! Not exactly! Well to start you still have to put down the back ground which includes drawing on a blank canvas or what artists call "blocking in". So I did that then I started with the background (using real paints), adding in all of the light values,etc. The thing I've been working on lately is the mailboxes, you see, my painting has about 10 mailboxes in it. They are all very colorful and bright and just interesting to look at. I thought it would be cool to paint but it has also been very detailed. I get frustrated at times but after a little bit of adjusting the color, adding and taking away I end up with something that actually looks like a mailbox! I just wanted to write about this in my blog because painting reminds me so much of spending time with God. I sit down to paint and next thing I know it's time to go home and I feel good, like I learned something new, it added to my life and I am at peace. Same as with God, I sit down next to the Master, read His Word and next thing I know it's time to do life. It's very peaceful, soothing and I forget about all of the stresses of the world. Some people get a massage to forget about their worries, some people get a manicure or pedicure to forget about their worries and some people even hit the gym to forget about their worries but me, well I've found that sitting with Jesus is the best thing I could ever do to forget about my worries and what comes in close to second place? Painting. Every time I mix a color I think about God and how He must have enjoyed coming up with colors for the trees and the flowers and even mankind. Life is good. Try painting some day, you never know you just might like it!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Nasty Pig

No I'm not blasting a person here. I'm talking about pork, what they call the other white meat. Yeah right, fat chance (no pun intended...seriously). My lovely other half and I went to Dickies the other day to enjoy some Sunday afternoon BBQ. Something most all people do in the south. Well I made a mistake, a REALLY BIG mistake. I ordered pork, pulled pork is what they call it. It looked more like grissely, fatty, chopped up blob of yuck is what it looked like. Why I chose to actually EAT it I'll never know. There's a verse in the Bible that says something like if you want to indulge in sin God won't stop you, he'll just say go right on ahead because we do have a free will. Sorry I don't know the exact reference but hopefully some of you know what I'm referring to, and if you do know the verse please share. Anyway so I went ahead and ate the junk, not sure why...oh wait I alrady said that. No I know why, it's because I'm selfish, and foolish and I ignored every warning God was giving me at the moment to not eat that. The dialog in my head went something like this, "but it tastes so good because it's pork afterall" and the voice said, "well but you will get sick" and I said, "no I won't because it will be fine" and the voice said, "but it clearly says in the Bible to stay away from unclean foods and pork is considered an unclean food" and I said, "well we're really not under the law anymore now are we?" And I chose the pork, and that is about how it went. I'll fast forward to the bottom line, if in doubt DON'T EAT IT; if it's pork, seriously don't eat it, and number one; if the Holy Spirit is trying to warn you of something, please listen, He does have your best interest in mind for you. Jumping back to what really happened afterwards? I was sick, very sick for about 12 hours and I knew it was the pork. I had a headache that is pretty close to the migraines I get once a month, no fun. And there is plenty of evidence to find on the internet about the correlation of eating pork and really bad headaches. So there, that's my lovely entry for the week. If you like pork and can eat it with no problems then my hat is off to you. But seriously, I'm gonna try and stick to that still small voice in my head and what the Bible says about what to stay away from. I've finally learned my lesson...and the hard way at that.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Key West Laughter

Well, God must have a sense of humor because there was an evening that Kayla and I were laughing so hard we cried! Thanks everyone for your prayers because it really was a good time, except for a small moment of panic for me it all went very well. But Kayla and I had time to just hang out and be girls. It all started with trying to get a picture of us together and she said something that got me to thinking. I've always been very self conscious of pictures of myself so I squint. Because one time a few years ago there was a picture of me and my eyes seemed to have been popping out of my head. So since then I've made an effort to squint so that never happens again. (lol!) But it has always bothered Brian and then Kayla mentioned it that night. So we started to take pictures and try as I might I could not NOT squint! At one time I thought she was simply taking my picture and come to realize she had video taped me for a good 3 to five minutes trying not to squint. So of course while we laughed and laughed watching that and cried even more. It really was a good time had by us both. And where were the boys? Well they had gone down to Duval street so we could have some good ol' bonding time. So my thoughts are now that God really has a very good sense of humor and He knows that laughter is the best medicine! Here's some pictures for your enjoyment too...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Key West

My cousin twisted my arm, gave me an Indian burn (sorry is that wrong to say in this day and age?!) and he's making me write about my vacation! Cousins are oftentimes like brothers, you wanna beat them with your bare hands and yet you can't because you have to be civil! :-P (I think I am having issues with anger this morning, passive aggressive it looks like.)

Anyway, on to my vacation story. Yes we're going to Key West next week. All four of us. All two adults, one child and the alien. Wait did I say "alien"? Well yes and I mean that in total love and compassion. My oldest is a teenager and you know it's really hard to understand her sometimes, well no I mean often times. I love her dearly, please don't get me wrong but I'm thinking that someone bribed us to take her along with us. Or they hypnotized us, or held another loved one for ransom to make us take her along. I know I'm sounding very unloving at this moment but it is a free country and I do have a right to free speech? The last vacation we had with dear daughter was last Thanksgiving and she spent 99.9% of the time in the hotel room, watching TV and talking on the phone to boyfriend number 1. So what fun can that be? But I'm learning about this thing called unconditional love. That means to love someone no matter their faults or the fact that they do nothing for you, nor do they love you back. Well from one of the more well known verses of the Bible, 1 Cor. 13:4-7 it is reminding me of true love. Love is patient, kind, not rude or jealous, love never gives up (my wording). Oh there it is, love never gives up. I think that's where I am asking God to keep me at. My heart, it's crushed and I'm often saddened by her but I will not give up because I am her mother and that's what mothers do right? Anyway, that is probably why I didn't write much about my vacation because I'm having some anxieties about it. So if you have a minute (or two) will you please pray for our trip, that it is full of love, joy, long suffering, health & understanding of each others short comings and loving anyway. Pray for me to be creative in getting her out of the hotel room, pray for her heart to change and her to desire to be with her family (we're aliens to her too). Pray for my heart to change and to live like Christ, to surrender my will and to walk into his footsteps.

When I return I will post pictures and a report of how God worked! It should be fun though because we're going kayaking (hopefully not with alligators), parasailing, snorkeling, fishing, visiting pirate ships, going on glass bottom cruises and of course swimming in the ocean. Who knows, it may thunder and storm and we may all be stuck in the hotel room...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Vacations and School

I'm not really posting much today. I'm just here to say that we're gearing up for our trip to Key West, FL for next week. I've got to be completely ready for Colin's school because the week after we return he is starting school! So that means all of that running around, buying school supplies, uniforms, haircuts, etc. And I must do it before the mad rush gets out there. You know how it is, you're standing in a Walmart school supply isle, seeing that what you need is only 10 feet away but there are somehow 3 baskets between you and 10 people (short AND tall) and the ever coveted trapper keepers that you must have for school! You make your way to the trapper keepers when someone (who you didn't see before you launched) stands up and you have to vear to the left to only be greeted by little people running around yet another cart in the way! Oh so fun. So, join me to Walmart now when there is plenty of elbow and cart space or take a venture out in a couple of weeks when it is an absolute madhouse. Your choice. Love and logic, do you love me now?!

Bon Voyage!

Monday, July 21, 2008


Do you ever have those times with the Lord that are so sweet, so tender and you want to hold onto it forever? Well I did just a couple of days ago and what I am about to share will bless some of my readers, others may not get it but if you just ask and give Him some of your time you will see, you will see.

I was crying out to God because I'm going through some more digging, letting some things out of the deep dark closet that I've not looked at very closely before or trusted God to carry me through. This will be the most difficult, at least it has been so far. Anyway I was pleading with Him to help me understand something, a loss I've experienced my whole life and I won't go into too much detail to protect the one involved. Anyway, I was laying prostrate on the floor in my bedroom, I needed a kleenex really bad cause I was crying something fierce and I remembered the hankies in my drawer. I'm a hanky kinda girl, whenever I see them or feel them I am reminded of my late Grandpa Weaver...he always had one in his pocket. As did my mom, it's probably a Weaver thing cause now that I think about it pretty much that whole family uses hankies. Anyway, I remembered them because while I was in GJ I bought some more hankies and that's what made me think of it. So I pulled a couple of them out of the drawer, used one beautiful hanky that is covered with red flowers (my favorite color). Then right before I used the next one I was asking God about the struggle I was having, asking Him to grant me what I've always desired. Then I needed the hanky again and I pulled it open from it's nice little fold and I looked down and handstitched on the corner was the word "HOPE". I had to look even closer because it was hard to read with my puffy eyes and tears plus the wording was a mixture of white and blue. As you can imagine I cried even more...and laughed. It was beautiful and so sweet and tender. The simple little word of "hope" was such a minister to my soul. I will never forget it. Here's a snap of my "rhema" word from God:

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Well we're back from our trip to GJ. That was a relaxing trip, it was one where I'm not sure if I slept more or talked more, both were pretty even. Marchelle and I had a great time catching up, talked about husbands, ex-husbands, children, relatives, girlfriends, work, school, kittens & cats, school, art, houses, the economy, cars, antiques, shopping, hair, tattoos, mullets, clothes, God, books...one conversation lead to another and to yet another. Then we would be tired and we would nap in the afternoon, not a bad time. I learned that she goes through one Bible every year, that she names all of her animals from the Bible (currently Azaria and another that starts with a T - sorry black kitty I just can't recall) and that there are actually cockroaches in Colorado (I won't talk about that one). Anyway, we covered it all and thoroughly enjoyed our time as sisters. What would you ever do without them??

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

To GJ we will go, To GJ we will go

...hi ho the dair-io the GJ we will go! Kayla and I are taking a weekend trip to visit my sister in Grand Junction, Colorado tomorrow. This week has been full of the crazy, running around, frantic preparations of getting ready to go on a trip. Every day has been hectic and I've gotten much less sleep this week but I'm so excited to be going! This trip will be fun and relaxing but there will be no escape from the heat because GJ is in the desert but it will be an escape from the frantic every day life here. Pray for our trip! Hopefully we will have some good bonding time between my daughter and I as well. Bon voy ag!

Friday, July 4, 2008


I just wanted to give an update on how I'm doing for meal preparation and following through on all of that. Since Monday we've only eaten out once, I've not heated up any frozen meals and I've cooked 2 meals and baked one item; Beef Noodles, turkey burgers and blueberry muffines (the healthy kind). Not bad for the first week. The rest of the time we have eaten leftovers, a big salad or cereal. Oh but today I did buy a bag of white Mrs. Baird's donutes for Colin. The hardest part for me this week was the planning part but after that was completed it made everything else fall into place.

On another note HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY everyone, I hope you all are out enjoying family, friends, good music and lots of sun and fireworks. Love you!

Thursday, July 3, 2008


I still am finding myself putting walls up between myself and those closest to me. Because of habits I've had my whole life from times of abuse as a child I have these bad habits and one of those is to shut down emotionally during times of conflict, to put walls up and let no one penetrate those high walls. I have learned to be emotionally vulnerable with other friends but my trust issues are still difficult when with my significant other. A close friend of mine gave me a suggestion. To tell my husband that during those times where I have the "fight or flight" symptoms to blurt out a word, a word that has no particular meaning accept that I am saying I am feeling a certain way but I can't express it right now. (does that make sense?) She used to say the word "peanut butter" when feeling that way with her husband. That was a clue to him that she was feeling vulnerable and scared but didn't know how to express it and without things escalating he would understand what that meant and just give her a hug and let her know that things will be OK and that he still loves her. Then they would continue the conversation later when she felt better. I think this would signal a time to get with the Lord, to turn to Him for help and to pray for understanding from my significant other. I am learning so much every day, God is gentle by allowing me to see things a little at a time. Slowly but surely there is healing happening in my heart. God is my refuge, my source of strength. Which reminds me of a passage in Psalms.

Psalm 18:1-2

I love you, O Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

It's shedding season

Everywhere I go there are these little fur particles, I don't want to say fur balls because they're not exactly round. They are just in a pile all by themselves and I keep seeing them everywhere. It's as if the cat was combing himself and combed the hair right off. Very strange. So I think it's time to brush the little bugger.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Exercise Challenge

OK I've joined an online exercise challenge thingy! I have been walking for the past 2 weeks oh and I won a 2 month membership to Private Workout here in Flower Mound. That was a sign that it is OK to workout again. You see before when I was working out I was making exercise an idol as well as my body. It was a motivation to be better, to look better, to lose weight and to look...well...really good in jeans! But that was in vain, not for the temple of God, not in thanks to Him but for me...all for me. So now my motivation is different, God has transformed my heart into something different and I am not making exercise a center of my day. It is so great to be able to go hit the gym or go for a walk and not have it control you, or consume you. A good friend of mine Susan told me that I need to take care of my temple so that I can be better for His kingdom and to do the work here that He needs me to do. If I am sick and unhealthy how can I be a help to His kingdom...she has a good point. Thank you Susan. Thanks God.

A Living Sacrifice

Romans 12:1-4
12:1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, [1] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. [2] 2 Do not be conformed to this world, [3] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. [4]

Friday, June 27, 2008


Now I know what I can blog about and it will help keep me accountable!! :-) Last night at Recovery at the Village I picked up a blue chip. This chip represents my desire to get into better habits. It's also a confession of making poor food choices, well basically my sin has been gluttony and laziness. Mostly laziness because honestly I'd rather not put a lot of effort into what I eat, I am lazy. There, I said it. I have not been a good example for my family, I have been buying a lot of frozen dinners, ordering take-out and skipping meals or eating a sandwich or a granola bar for dinner. That's not good for my children to learn about how a mother should be, nor is it honoring to my body (God's temple right?). So tonight marks the first night of cooking for my family. I am making chicken spaghetti, no not the casserole kind but the almost made from scratch kind. I've sauteed my chicken, boiled the linguine and soon I will warm up the sauce (yes from a jar). Here's my first attempt at cooking for my family.

Oh and if you have any ideas about what to cook I'm all ears!


I realize that my blog has been rather stale lately, I have been quiet and not because my life is quiet but because I am having a hard time knowing what to talk about. Knowing where to draw the line because I've been a bit too open before. Or maybe it's because my 10 year old son is home all of the time and the noise that is always being made in this house is a bit distracting. Hmmmmmmm......I'd like to talk about something good, something deep, something interesting and I think I've hit a wall. God is good, we had a great weekend last weekend. I think when I gave up leading a book study that the blessings came pouring over in abundance. God wants my heart here; my mind has been here, my body has been here but my heart has been outside of here. Towards friends and sponsees and towards church but not here. I think we always want something other than what we have. And it's a process of always turning your heart towards God and towards the things that He wants for you.

Anyway, what's been on your mind lately? If you have a blog I probably already know but if not please share.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Here she is, my cute new little car that is so fun to drive!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I'm still waiting to get a picture of my new Mini Cooper and in the mean time haven't posted anything new. Sorry to be dragging this out but it will happen some day.

Anyway, I'm beginning to be more engaging to the Lord. I started to journal again today and I looked up praise and worship verses, mainly in Psalms. That gets me pointed to Him always. Plus instead of changing the radio station in my car over and over trying to find "the" song to listen to I am praying to Him, talking to Him while driving. Getting back to the basics is a what I need. I think my funk is being at a crossroads. Since I'm not serving at Recovery at the Village on Saturdays I feel out of the loop, out of touch but I know my next mission is my family. To take what I've learned from RAV and apply it here, to live it; which actually means to live out what I've learned here instead of always serving outside of my home. There's nothing wrong with serving others but if it's at the expense of your family then there is something missing. The other thing is I think it's time to find a home group in our church. I definitely need accountability and prayer from other Believers. Anyway, not to "do" church but to walk in Christ...day after day after precious day.....until He returns.

Matthew 25:1-13 25:1 “Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps [1] and went to meet the bridegroom. [2] 2 Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. 3 For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, 4 but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. 5 As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. 6 But at midnight there was a cry, ‘Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ 7 Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. 8 And the foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ 9 But the wise answered, saying, ‘Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.’ 10 And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. 11 Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ 12 But he answered, ‘Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.’ 13 Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour."

Monday, June 9, 2008


I have always loved Mini Coopers. And since gas prices have hit an all time high I decided that it was time to get one! It's fun, it's cute, I actually enjoy driving now and it has GREAT gas millage (425 miles on one gas tank so far and I still have gas left!). All the cars I've ever owned have been picked for me, I got to hand pick this one out and it is a blast to drive. No it's not fast, it's not an "S" model but boy is it fun to drive. A little hair raising on the highways with trucks all around me but it's fast enough to get around a potential dangerous situation if need be. This car received 5 star crash test ratings. All four of us can ride in this car, a tiny bit cramped but room enough for legs (but no stretching). This car has 2 sunroofs so you don't feel claustrophobic. Although it is a little reminiscent of riding in a very small airplane with the huge cockpit right there in front of you. Because the speedometer is right in the middle of the dashboard and the size of a dinner plate! If you're gonna drive your kids around town for this and that you might as well enjoy the ride right?! I'll post a picture as soon as I get one.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Is that a word? I don't know but it's how my good friend Kelli has been describing her week. And that is exactly how I've felt too. I've got to get back in the Word, just to sit at His feet, to be with Him. Today was just as busy as last Tuesday was, not sure why that happens but I guess it's just life. God told me though that just because I am being "human" doesn't mean that He has taken His grace from me. He still loves me, He understands my weaknesses and He will never leave me. That is what I soak in today, His grace and love.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Round Up & tooth trauma

Here's a round up of my day, in case you're interested.

6:00 AM, woke up, put on my flip flops and drove Brian to the airport

6:45 AM, returned from home and tried to get some more sleep...that didn't happen

7:25 AM, back out of bed again, dressed and made myself presentable

8:00 AM, talked to the "Handy Man" about our latch on the pool equipment fence (it was sticking or not closing altogether)

8:10 AM, drove Kayla to school, it's raining and she was wearing a long skirt

8:20 AM, back home again

8:45 AM, Handy Man is finished with job, we check it and I pay (choke) the bill

9:00 AM, ate breakfast of 2 pieces of french toast

9:30 - 10:30 AM, a bit of a blur of this hour but I think it had to do with laundry and phone calls

10:45 AM, drove to a doctors office in Denton to see about getting my tattoo removed (this is a story that if you know me well you know this story, otherwise it's a boring story and you probably don't wanna know anyway)

11:15 AM, ran into the doctors office drenched because it was pouring rain

11:45 AM, saw the doctor, she seems competent and nice and a pretty good price for the procedure

12:00 PM, ran back to my car after my appt. in even more pouring rain and even more drenched than the time before!

12:30 PM, dropped off a Netflix movie in the P.O. slot and got even more drenched again!

1:00 PM, quick lunch with Colin, check e-mails, make more phone calls

1:45 PM, drove to Lexus to have them fix a few things on my car (they have a carport, yahoo!)

2:45 PM, back home again

2:45 - 3:45 PM, a little bit of house cleaning, called a friend and then left to get Kayla at school

4:15 - 4:25 PM, waiting to get in line in front of the school to pick up Kayla - boy is it ever a mad house!

6:45 - 11:30, as I was typing this around 6:45 Colin was outside riding his bike, he'd only been outside for about 10 minutes when I saw one of the neighbor boys running across our front lawn yelling, "I'll tell his mom!". Right away my stomach sank, I knew that wasn't a good sign. So I ran outside to see what was the matter and Colin was lying face down on the street with blood coming out of his mouth and he was crying. A mothers worst nightmare come to find out he had busted out his front tooth riding on his bike. He slipped in water and came crashing down, on his face. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I still can't get the images out of my mind. As neighbor A came outside I asked her to look for the tooth. Then we rushed inside our house and put a cold pack on his mouth and tried to stop the bleeding. I paged the dentist and tried to calm Colin at the same time. Neighbor A found the tooth and brought it to me and told me to put it in milk. Then neighbor B came by to see if she could help, I told her yes, right before she came I called 911 because after the 2nd try of paging my dentist they never called me back. So in came the paramedics with their gurney and equipment. I believe it was 7 of them, all there to help. Then a friend of mine came over, she was already on her way. We were told by the paramedics that the best place to go was Children's Medical Center in Dallas because they would have everything we needed there; it's hard not to think about money but I was the whole time since we have a very high deductible and no other benefits. Neighbor B was kind enough to drive Colin and me to Children's while my friend stayed at my house to take care of things there and to pick up Kayla from work later that evening. We only spent a few hours at the ER, apparently an injury like that gets high priority with the doctors so you get seen right away. We got home around 11:30 pm, Colin fell asleep right away but I wasn't able to sleep until 2 or 2:30 in the morning. I would rather face a broken bone, the flu or anything else accept this. This was by far the most traumatic thing both he and I have ever been through, and hopefully (prayerfully) the last. Now it's 2 days later and I still feel a little bit in shock. Colin is back to his old self except he feels self conscious and doesn't want many people to see him. I will keep an update on the procedures and all that happens. As I was going through that trauma I was thinking about how God was there at every step of the way. I trust Him and His plan, there will be good to come from this I just don't know yet. But I had so much support, with my neighbors, my friends, family and the paramedics. I felt surrounded by love, care and support. Brian felt absolutely helpless being in Phoenix during this time, he badly wanted to be here and offered to come home. It has been rough and I have questioned God and why He allowed this to happen. I am feeling a bit discouraged and down but I know this too will pass. I think about the soldiers in the war and how much trauma they have to face. Well for whatever reason this did happen and I trust in the good Lord for everything.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Summer Time!

We are now moving into summer break time. Yesterday was Colin's last day of school so today starts the beginning of summer. So many endless possibilities of things to do. My goal for this summer is to get out and to volunteer! I want to go downtown and help feed the homeless, I want to go to the animal shelter and help take care of the animals, I want to go to the different local charity places and help sort out the food and things they get in. Mostly out of all of this I want to show my son the different side of life. To show him how we were created to serve and to give and to worship. I want him to experience those things, to have that good feeling you get from helping others. I pray that God will open his eyes to His world, to loving others and giving back. I will take along my daughter as well when she is not busy with work or summer school. (She has shown great responsibility lately with her new job, and she loves it!) Our church has an activity each summer called "Transform". They find a school in the community that needs major work, they open this to everyone in the church who wants to help and they "transform" the building and peoples lives through the Gospel. I am very excited about this and I can't wait to see how God allows it to all unfold.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Work - no more

Well that was very short lived. In the middle of my shift yesterday I walked out, I couldn't take it anymore. You can only imagine the whys behind it. At the beginning of the week I said I would work there for as long as I'd like. By day two and three I gave myself six months. By day four I thought a month. By day five I was looking at giving it two more weeks. My last day I was just trying to get through the day. All this time I'm heavily leaning on the Lord for peace, patience, guidance. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and there are a few reasons for that but I won't go into detail. But what I garnered by the end of this experience is that the reason (if I'm hearing the Lord right) I was there for that short period of time was for compassion and understanding...for my husband. Although the details of my work were different compared to his I have a lot more insight into what he must face every day and how it must feel. I think now I can support him in his work, to show him compassion, to praise him for all he does. I am so thankful to God for showing me that. A part of me feels stubborn for having to learn it the hard way but how good is our God to help us to help each other? I am so thankful to God for showing me and for all that Brian does for us week in and week out. I am so taken care of and thankful!

I don't think my ex-boss will be surprised. The job description was quite different from what I actually was expected to do. Many things were heaped on me that was completely out of my comfort zone and out of my ability to do. It's kinda funny because it's almost like I switched lives with someone else for a week. Like those reality shows that do that and help those people understand what the other person has to live with. I wonder if I should add a stone to my pile??? What do you think?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I have started a new job. I am working for our mortgage broker who is now changing his business to logistics (transportation brokerage). Right now my brain is literally fried, being on the computer for part of the day, making phone calls to complete strangers, having to remember key words to say. I believe that my brain feels like mush. I know God has called me to that work place for a purpose, other than just making money and making my boss money. He doesn't know the Lord and somehow, little ol' me is going to shine a light in his dark world. Only it won't be my light, it will be God's. Because in my flesh I want to be proud, I don't want to be meek and mild. This is a whole new world for me. The last time I worked in an office I was a "Christian" but living as the world did. Now I am different, Jesus has changed me and I think that this is a test. But will I make it past the difficulties of work like calling strangers and sort of selling our company on the phone? That I really despise but if the Lord has called me there I must be obedient. Anyway, pray for me to speak the words the Lord has called me to speak, or just be the person He has called me to be. No more, no less...anything else would be living a lie. Talk about a walk of faith. He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

we need each other

I went on a field trip today and spent most of my time with my son and his friends and another mom whom I'd met before but have never had the time to sit and talk with her. We talked a lot about our daughters (she has a 12 year old) that are going through teen angst and before the day was over she said she knew God was in our conversation because of some of the things I said. Quite frankly I was nervous about sharing so much with her because I didn't know her that well but it ended up being a blessing to get to know her more and to be able to talk with someone else with similar struggles in life. I love how God works things out like that, I love talking with people and making connections...real connections not fake "surface" like talk. That kind of talk tends to make me feel depressed and out there, alone. But sharing with someone else how God is working in my life, seeing God in everything and just opening up to another human being is what I love. It gives me the warm fuzzies and for that I am so thankful to God for. He is such a good God & when we do things His way (like opening up when it looks scary), everything falls into place.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I love this little girl!!!

I wanted to post something more on the lighter side today. If you haven't already seen this you've gotta watch it. I want this for my ring tone, she makes me laugh every time I see it!



Thursday, May 1, 2008

No more confusion

I had an amazing time with the Lord a couple of days ago. I've been searching, praying and hoping that God would show me something I felt was pressing and important. These have been my questions to the Lord, "Is what is going on around me not OK or am I too sensitive, show me your thoughts Lord...?" He pointed me to Psalm 103. While reading I underlined all of the words that God is and what dh is not. This isn't a case of comparing him to God or to bash him or make him look bad, God was simply showing me how a godly husband should treat his wife. The first thing I read was verse 6 and in it David says, "The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others." Then here are the words I underlined: mercy, kind, does not become angry quickly, great love, not accuse, not angry forever, not punished us, not repaid us, great is his love, mercy, a father has mercy on his children, Lord's love, respect and his goodness continues to their grandchildren. God was telling me through these verses that He's got me covered, He knows everything, He sees the wrong being done, He is right and fair and He went so far as to show me that my grandchildren will know of His goodness! He flooded me with truth all that day and He is with me today. Oh I pray that the scales will fall off dh eyes, that he will be repentant and humble. A good friend of mine said that even though I'm in the midst of a "tornado" to keep my eyes on Him, to rest in Him and nothing will harm me or my children or my dh. It is all for our good, even when it hurts.

Thanks for your prayers.

Friday, April 25, 2008


The hits just keep coming, my 16 year old (baby right?) daughter has informed me that she wants to move out and she has it all planned. She said her friend, a boy, will be paying for most of her expenses and she will be living with a couple of other friends (delinquents probably!). We called our lawyer and he said two things about this. #1 is that if we "bless" the move out that we are still liable and responsible for her and if she does something like damages the apartment in any way that we would be responsible. #2 is we take a firm stand and say no you're not old enough to move out then if she moves out anyway that we won't be liable for something that she might do. We want to help her to not do something that will hurt her in the long run (like pregnancy or drugs, etc). But we also know that she's got to experience hard times to realize what it really is like to be an adult. We're exploring our options, looking into what is the best thing to do and trusting in God for the result. Everyone I talk to they say, "oh dear, you're in a bad situation, I am so sorry". And you know it feel surreal sometimes, I have let go of Kayla, placed her into the Lord's hands and I have peace. But it's still hard, I still get frustrated and irritated and angry. And God is still in control, He is still King and that is where I put my trust.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Balance & Perfection

In my quiet time today I read a part of Matthew and the part that stuck out to me was Matthew 11:28. "Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." I love using a thesaurus because I learn so much more when I look up words. The word I looked up was "rest". Here are the words that came up: base, basis, bed, bottom, foundation, ground, underlayer, groundwork, substratum, substrate, substructure, equilibrium, poise, balance, homeostasis (anyone know what that means???), steadiness, stability, ease, spare time, leisure, relaxation and repose. My favorite responses were steadiness, balance and bed. It almost sounds like these words are "perfection" and God IS perfect, especially the last words like equilibrium, poise and steadiness. I often have balance problems, I get car sick and air sick and if I spin around to dance I get sick. And according to His Word He is balanced and poised and firm. He never gets dizzy or sick, He is perfect.

Reading and learning this gives me so much comfort, a comfort I cannot even explain. To serve a God that are all of these words, and He said "Come to me, all..." (Not some, not just black or white, not just the good but all.) He loves us so much, so very very much. It is unfathomable sometimes how much He loves us. God is good, God is perfect...and He desires to give us rest.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Amazing Love

My confession to God this week has been my sin of loving money. I have allowed the love of money to overcome my love for my husband, love for my children, for myself and most ultimately my love for God. That is where it is broken down, that is what God has been slowly opening my eyes to since January. But this is a seed that was planted many many years ago and something that I allowed to take root in my early 20's and to take over my heart until now. Oh I am a mess, I am a sinner, I am a worm! How is it that God can love me? How can he look past my sin and love me? This is the depths of my heart, the depths of my depravity...but there is probably more, there always is. I am so thankful for Christ, He is my Savior, my Hope. He died to cover my sins. Amazing love, how can it be?

Monday, April 14, 2008

David and Goliath

The world appears differently today, I feel a very strange sense of vulnerability because not only have I placed my future in my husbands hands but more importantly God's hands. Now I ask you all, have you truly given up everything? Are you really living the Truth? Are you willing to give up EVERYTHING for Christ?

Please pray for our family, this is a major spiritual battle...one that spans many generations in two different families. I covet all prayers. And I love you all!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

A line in the sand

This post is about honesty, are you living in the truth or are you living as a liar? Denial is clearly a difficult thing to sniff out. We can lie to others and to ourselves about so many things, and we don't even realize it. When God peels back the layers of denial boy is it harsh, ugly and difficult. He has peeled back the layers of my denial. Denial of the verbal and emotional abuse going on in our home. I am drawing a line in the sand, I am saying no more. Boy this is a new day for me, feels like a new millennium. Christ is on His throne, I will trust in Him in all things. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This generational curse stops at me, His name will be glorified.

Pray for me, pray for us.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


I had to post this before it left me, before I forgot. Last night while I was prayer journaling I had a vision of myself. Actually this is what I wrote, "Oh God I am standing in the wilderness, arms stretched out wide, head high with eyes closed, rain is pouring down on me, pouring - pouring, my face is weeping Lord, but I am at peace. You are there; above, below, behind, beside and near me. There is a small glimpse of light on the horizon, just a sliver. I am ready, hopeful-you are God, all Glory, all Power, significant and all praised. Jesus...Jesus...Jesus...Jesus...My Savior. I rest in You, in only You."

I received a devotional in my e-mail this morning by www.desiringgod.com. After hastily reading through it I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to read it again. Here is what it said, Deuteronomy 32:1-3 “Give ear, O heavens, and I will speak,and let the earth hear the words of my mouth.2 May my teaching drop as the rain,my speech distill as the dew,like gentle rain upon the tender grass,and like showers upon the herb.3 For I will proclaim the name of the Lord;ascribe greatness to our God!"

I love our Great God, how He speaks to us in so many ways, He is amazing, He is great, He is to be praised forever more.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Oh dear

My husband has a knack for calling me at 10pm and talking about everything that is going on in our lives...the good, the bad and the ugly. And if you know me you know that I am NOT a night owl, I'm pretty much a pumpkin around 9 or 10 o'clock and I can't function like a normal human being should. Soooooooooooo he was going on and on about changing this, doing that, and most of these things mind you are pretty BIG decisions so of course my blood pressure increases and I start "dancing" right along with him in these talks. When I should be leaning on the Lord and like my last post said remembering that these are not flesh and blood wars but these are spiritual wars. Well after a fitful night sleep I awoke around 5 AM and starting praying. I think He is the one that wakes me up so early, to pray, to seek His face, to be still before Him.

Now I am awaiting the next "battle" so I am carrying around with me Ephesians 6:12 and Psalm 18:2-3. Because He is my refuge, my shield and my stronghold. How can I be an affective witness to my husband if I am tossed to and fro by every ripple or current that comes my way?

Be still, and know that I AM. (Psalm 46:10) ~ Jesus

Monday, March 31, 2008

Not of flesh and blood

Ephesians 6:12

12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

This is the verse of the day. After all of the battles going on in our home, I get it now! The Lord has shown me that I can fight and fight with my husband all day, or my children, but the battle is not between me and them, it is between the spiritual forces of evil. Now I can change my prayers, to prayers of protection, prayers of understanding, prayers of submission to the Lord. Right now I feel like David in the battle with the Giant, Goliath. (Thanks Susan for sharing with me about that story.) It is a huge giant, ugly, bearing down on us, roaring it's ugly head. All I need to do is stand up in faith, trusting in the Lord for deliverance. He's won the battle, it's not my battle but the Lords and it has been won. He will be glorified, His name will be known, He will be praised.

Friday, March 28, 2008


Dictionary meaning of precarious:

1. dependent on circumstances beyond one's control; uncertain; unstable; insecure: a precarious livelihood.
2. dependent on the will or pleasure of another; liable to be withdrawn or lost at the will of another: He held a precarious tenure under an arbitrary administration.
3. exposed to or involving danger; dangerous; perilous; risky: the precarious life of an underseas diver.
4. having insufficient, little, or no foundation: a precarious assumption.

That is how I'm feeling today. There is so much going on right now, some of it self imposed, some of it just by others circumstances that affect me. My oldest daughter, now 16, is usually on the forefront of my mind. She is so creative, so talented, yet it seems to be wasted and I have no idea how she will end up. It is so hard not to think about tomorrow when you have a teenager living in your home. I feel that she is often tormented by things and I alone cannot ease her pain. She knows the Lord, yet I can see her searching, seeking, hoping for something to rescue her. I know that look, that pain. You have to go through it yourself to recognize it. I pray for her to reach out to Jesus and only Him. It breaks my heart to watch her, yet I know the Lord has her in His hands. She is precious to the Lord, as she is to me.

I am in search of a part time job right now. I dropped off an application at a Starbucks a couple of days ago and it sounded very promising but I was feeling apprehensive. Whatever job I take I will (hopefully) stay at for many years to come. When I was younger I never thought too much about the future but I desire to be a reliable and loyal and long lasting employee. I want to be at the right place, it's important and I appreciate stability now. So I was praying to God that I did not want to go where He was not. I got in the car and the song that goes something like this came blasting on, "I don't wanna go somewhere, if I know that you're not there; cause I know that me without you is a lie". That was cool! I started laughing, when God is in the small things like that I couldn't ask for more from Him. He is there, in every thing, in every moment, in every care. Gotta love Him!

I am in the middle of a program at our church called Step Studies. It is based on the Celebrate Recovery program and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our church used to be involved in the CR program but they've pulled away and are now making it even more Christ centered. We still use the 12 steps, we still give out chips and we still have sponsors and group leaders. I started the program a year ago because I had issues with codependency, food addiction, fear, pride and childhood abuse. This program, no actually, Jesus has changed my life! I was for so many years tied up in religion and legalism. For the past 12 years I have been on a journey, I've gone through many phases of my knowledge of God. I've known Him since I was 7 but then I headed straight into rebellion when I was 13. So for 12 years (after that) I was walking away from Him, but for the past 12 years I have been walking towards Him. He has constantly been by my side but I was plagued by years of legalism. This past year I have been freed from so many chains of bondage and my relationship with Christ is like it never has been before. I am powerless, God is All Powerful - it's all about Him, never about me. I am currently serving as a leader in the Step Study. I have 3 amazing sponsees and an sister in Christ that serves along with me, her name is Kelli. I have seen God move in a mighty way in these ladies. I am so grateful to be a part of this amazing program, God is so Good. So this is another thing I am involved in, another thing that takes me away from my family. But I am thankful for it and I trust that God has put everything in my path for His greater purpose and glory. Never my own.

Brian (dear husband) is traveling to Connecticut right now. He travels Sunday afternoon until late Thursday night. So I am in a sense a single mom while he's away. It's at times a heavy burden to bear. Having all of the day to day responsibilities on my shoulders. Yet he is a phone call away. He has 2 more weeks left in Connecticut then he'll be off for 2 weeks then he'll travel to Phoenix for a while. That is not as difficult because his travel time is usually Monday morning till Thursday evening.

I guess I say I feel precarious because life is precarious if you think about it. I do have freedom of choice but since I am a Believer I should take up the Cross and follow Christ. It is no longer about me but about my walk with Him, following His lead, doing His will. I wouldn't say I'm insecure (like one of the precarious definitions) but once I realized that my life really is in God's ands that made me feel vulnerable, but in a good way. I think in a, I fear God way. When you think about how big He is, how everything is filtered through Him and how He holds the earth and the waters and even the universe in His hands, that tends to cause you to feel a bit precarious.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dirt clods and begonias

Yesterday I went out and bought a small 6 pack of begonias. I usually resupply my pots in the back yard with new flowers this time of year. My hands are sore because the pots that were out there had this horribly hard, packed in almost cemented like dirt in them. I had to use a very sharp object to get the dirt out so I could replant. As I was chipping away at the dirt I noticed the stark contrast to the hard, one year old dirt and the fresh new bag of soil from Lowes. As soon as I opened the bag the heaven scent of dirt floated over my face and into my nose, that earthy, lush, life giving smell. I was actually tempted to take a bite and because I could almost taste it on my tongue and for a split second I could understand the children that actually eat dirt! Anyway, back to my story, the ashy like dirt was almost spiritual to me. Looking at that God showed me where I had come from and where I will return. He knew me before I was born, yet I am dirt and He sent His only Son to die for me. What a thing to ponder. And as I put the new dirt in the pot and my cute little begonia I was thankful for the beauty of God's creation, the smell of the earth, the details of the flower, the solid but dirty and old pot that made it through the winter without cracking and my hammering at it to get the old out. Just like we are empty vessels, full of dead old dirt clods until Christ comes along and fills us with His blood, His life giving blood that is fresh, and new, and beautiful for all to see. All because of Him I live...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Pile of Rocks

I just decided to copy and paste what I had written back to my cousin David. #1 it's a good thing to post a reminder of God's goodness and #2 because I'm too busy to type up anything else that's going on because I really need to get out to the back yard and back wash the pool, and sweep my floor and empty the dishwasher and clean out the cat box and run errands and all of those lovely things that SAHM's get the privaledge of doing. Love you all!

Hey David,
Thanks for your comment, that was a nice surprise! Since I have a new laptop I haven’t visited your journal and I’m glad you reminded me where it was out there in cyber space.
Anyway, doesn’t it feel right to have a new Easter experience? I have a pile of rocks, well a small pile so far and because this Easter was so “non eventful” but special I added a rock to my pile. (God told the Israelites to get 12 rocks to remind them what He had done for them at the Jordan river.) So that is what I’ve been doing since January, only my rocks probably aren’t as big as their rocks were! So here’s how I do it, I write the date with a sharpie on the bottom of the rock, then I write the date and the significance in a notebook sitting next to the bowl of rocks. A constant reminder of what God is doing in my life. I think I just might make this my journal entry because I keep typing and typing and it only makes sense to because I don’t really have anything else to say for the day, or I’m too lazy to type anything else. But now you see why I think I’m weird. Anyway, thanks again for saying “hi”! God is so good to me!

Here's the link to David's online journal http://dbaumgartner.com/ if you're interested and like to read more online journals like these.

Monday, March 24, 2008

If you're interested

This life as a Christian is so adventurous. I feel like I've only just begun in this past year. Although I'm sure I would have told you 5 years ago that I'd only just begun then. But this year I feel like I have been totally freed from religion. Boy is that a load off. I was too busy checking the boxes and making sure I looked good on the outside. I love to journal, I love to write my thoughts so I'm creating this to have another avenue to do just so. I've got a myspace account to keep an eye on Kayla's account but I just can't get into myspace. Blogger seems more my age, my speed.

Yesterday we went to my inlaws for the annual Easter Egg hunt. As my MIL was counting Colin's money she said, "oh I hope the Lord doesn't return while I'm doing this." And I said, "well what would He have to say about the eggs, the bunnies?" She agreed with me, it's all so far removed from the real meaning of Easter. None of us seemed to know where the egg myth and bunny myth came from and how it got integrated into Christ death, burial and resurrection. As I was worshiping at church yesterday I realized that this is the first year Easter felt like any other day. I used to put so much emotion into it, it even felt different, I felt different. And I realized that my walk with the Lord is ALIVE every day, not just one day a year. I didn't even dress up too much. I looked around me and saw so many people dressed up in their best Easter outfits. I hope I am not coming across as a righteous pharisee. I don't think Jesus said anything about our outfits, He was more concerned with our hearts. I felt at peace all day, I was so full of joy to just be alive and for all that He has entrusted to me.

Now today is another story. I have been to 2 different stores to try and find an Ipod Shuffle for Colin. With his Easter money he decided to get one of those. Then we went online to download some of his favorite songs. That was frustrating and I have not a clue about the computer most of the time! I had put all of Kayla's songs on his Ipod and had no clue how I did it or how to get them off. I asked Kayla to help me figure out the iTunes and when this happens I feel so old! Now here I am creating a new blog, half of me wants to throw the computer out the window and the other half loves to be able to do this! Life is strange, with technology and all.

Oh and I realized something yesterday as well. I am weird, well I knew already that I'm weird but weird isn't a bad thing is it? So if I'm weird that means that God is weird, that is if weird is OK and not a sin. What a funny thought that is, that God is weird. It almost sounds sacrilegious, does anyone know that answer to that? Actually I was just thinking, if you look at the animal kingdom, or the fish in the sea, there are some really weird creatures out there and yes God made them. So I think I just answered my own question! Tootles...

Jesus is my Savior
My help in all times of need
A forgiver of my sins
And a lover of my soul
I am in awe of His Glory