The hits just keep coming, my 16 year old (baby right?) daughter has informed me that she wants to move out and she has it all planned. She said her friend, a boy, will be paying for most of her expenses and she will be living with a couple of other friends (delinquents probably!). We called our lawyer and he said two things about this. #1 is that if we "bless" the move out that we are still liable and responsible for her and if she does something like damages the apartment in any way that we would be responsible. #2 is we take a firm stand and say no you're not old enough to move out then if she moves out anyway that we won't be liable for something that she might do. We want to help her to not do something that will hurt her in the long run (like pregnancy or drugs, etc). But we also know that she's got to experience hard times to realize what it really is like to be an adult. We're exploring our options, looking into what is the best thing to do and trusting in God for the result. Everyone I talk to they say, "oh dear, you're in a bad situation, I am so sorry". And you know it feel surreal sometimes, I have let go of Kayla, placed her into the Lord's hands and I have peace. But it's still hard, I still get frustrated and irritated and angry. And God is still in control, He is still King and that is where I put my trust.
In my quiet time today I read a part of Matthew and the part that stuck out to me was Matthew 11:28. "Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." I love using a thesaurus because I learn so much more when I look up words. The word I looked up was "rest". Here are the words that came up: base, basis, bed, bottom, foundation, ground, underlayer, groundwork, substratum, substrate, substructure, equilibrium, poise, balance, homeostasis (anyone know what that means???), steadiness, stability, ease, spare time, leisure, relaxation and repose. My favorite responses were steadiness, balance and bed. It almost sounds like these words are "perfection" and God IS perfect, especially the last words like equilibrium, poise and steadiness. I often have balance problems, I get car sick and air sick and if I spin around to dance I get sick. And according to His Word He is balanced and poised and firm. He never gets dizzy or sick, He is perfect.
Reading and learning this gives me so much comfort, a comfort I cannot even explain. To serve a God that are all of these words, and He said "Come to me, all..." (Not some, not just black or white, not just the good but all.) He loves us so much, so very very much. It is unfathomable sometimes how much He loves us. God is good, God is perfect...and He desires to give us rest.
My confession to God this week has been my sin of loving money. I have allowed the love of money to overcome my love for my husband, love for my children, for myself and most ultimately my love for God. That is where it is broken down, that is what God has been slowly opening my eyes to since January. But this is a seed that was planted many many years ago and something that I allowed to take root in my early 20's and to take over my heart until now. Oh I am a mess, I am a sinner, I am a worm! How is it that God can love me? How can he look past my sin and love me? This is the depths of my heart, the depths of my depravity...but there is probably more, there always is. I am so thankful for Christ, He is my Savior, my Hope. He died to cover my sins. Amazing love, how can it be?
The world appears differently today, I feel a very strange sense of vulnerability because not only have I placed my future in my husbands hands but more importantly God's hands. Now I ask you all, have you truly given up everything? Are you really living the Truth? Are you willing to give up EVERYTHING for Christ?
Please pray for our family, this is a major spiritual battle...one that spans many generations in two different families. I covet all prayers. And I love you all!
This post is about honesty, are you living in the truth or are you living as a liar? Denial is clearly a difficult thing to sniff out. We can lie to others and to ourselves about so many things, and we don't even realize it. When God peels back the layers of denial boy is it harsh, ugly and difficult. He has peeled back the layers of my denial. Denial of the verbal and emotional abuse going on in our home. I am drawing a line in the sand, I am saying no more. Boy this is a new day for me, feels like a new millennium. Christ is on His throne, I will trust in Him in all things. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This generational curse stops at me, His name will be glorified.
I had to post this before it left me, before I forgot. Last night while I was prayer journaling I had a vision of myself. Actually this is what I wrote, "Oh God I am standing in the wilderness, arms stretched out wide, head high with eyes closed, rain is pouring down on me, pouring - pouring, my face is weeping Lord, but I am at peace. You are there; above, below, behind, beside and near me. There is a small glimpse of light on the horizon, just a sliver. I am ready, hopeful-you are God, all Glory, all Power, significant and all praised. Jesus...Jesus...Jesus...Jesus...My Savior. I rest in You, in only You."
I received a devotional in my e-mail this morning by www.desiringgod.com. After hastily reading through it I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to read it again. Here is what it said, Deuteronomy 32:1-3 “Give ear, O heavens, and I will speak,and let the earth hear the words of my mouth.2 May my teaching drop as the rain,my speech distill as the dew,like gentle rain upon the tender grass,and like showers upon the herb.3 For I will proclaim the name of the Lord;ascribe greatness to our God!"
I love our Great God, how He speaks to us in so many ways, He is amazing, He is great, He is to be praised forever more.
My husband has a knack for calling me at 10pm and talking about everything that is going on in our lives...the good, the bad and the ugly. And if you know me you know that I am NOT a night owl, I'm pretty much a pumpkin around 9 or 10 o'clock and I can't function like a normal human being should. Soooooooooooo he was going on and on about changing this, doing that, and most of these things mind you are pretty BIG decisions so of course my blood pressure increases and I start "dancing" right along with him in these talks. When I should be leaning on the Lord and like my last post said remembering that these are not flesh and blood wars but these are spiritual wars. Well after a fitful night sleep I awoke around 5 AM and starting praying. I think He is the one that wakes me up so early, to pray, to seek His face, to be still before Him.
Now I am awaiting the next "battle" so I am carrying around with me Ephesians 6:12 and Psalm 18:2-3. Because He is my refuge, my shield and my stronghold. How can I be an affective witness to my husband if I am tossed to and fro by every ripple or current that comes my way?
Be still, and know that IAM. (Psalm 46:10) ~ Jesus