Precarious

Dictionary meaning of precarious:

1. dependent on circumstances beyond one's control; uncertain; unstable; insecure: a precarious livelihood.
2. dependent on the will or pleasure of another; liable to be withdrawn or lost at the will of another: He held a precarious tenure under an arbitrary administration.
3. exposed to or involving danger; dangerous; perilous; risky: the precarious life of an underseas diver.
4. having insufficient, little, or no foundation: a precarious assumption.


That is how I'm feeling today. There is so much going on right now, some of it self imposed, some of it just by others circumstances that affect me. My oldest daughter, now 16, is usually on the forefront of my mind. She is so creative, so talented, yet it seems to be wasted and I have no idea how she will end up. It is so hard not to think about tomorrow when you have a teenager living in your home. I feel that she is often tormented by things and I alone cannot ease her pain. She knows the Lord, yet I can see her searching, seeking, hoping for something to rescue her. I know that look, that pain. You have to go through it yourself to recognize it. I pray for her to reach out to Jesus and only Him. It breaks my heart to watch her, yet I know the Lord has her in His hands. She is precious to the Lord, as she is to me.

I am in search of a part time job right now. I dropped off an application at a Starbucks a couple of days ago and it sounded very promising but I was feeling apprehensive. Whatever job I take I will (hopefully) stay at for many years to come. When I was younger I never thought too much about the future but I desire to be a reliable and loyal and long lasting employee. I want to be at the right place, it's important and I appreciate stability now. So I was praying to God that I did not want to go where He was not. I got in the car and the song that goes something like this came blasting on, "I don't wanna go somewhere, if I know that you're not there; cause I know that me without you is a lie". That was cool! I started laughing, when God is in the small things like that I couldn't ask for more from Him. He is there, in every thing, in every moment, in every care. Gotta love Him!

I am in the middle of a program at our church called Step Studies. It is based on the Celebrate Recovery program and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our church used to be involved in the CR program but they've pulled away and are now making it even more Christ centered. We still use the 12 steps, we still give out chips and we still have sponsors and group leaders. I started the program a year ago because I had issues with codependency, food addiction, fear, pride and childhood abuse. This program, no actually, Jesus has changed my life! I was for so many years tied up in religion and legalism. For the past 12 years I have been on a journey, I've gone through many phases of my knowledge of God. I've known Him since I was 7 but then I headed straight into rebellion when I was 13. So for 12 years (after that) I was walking away from Him, but for the past 12 years I have been walking towards Him. He has constantly been by my side but I was plagued by years of legalism. This past year I have been freed from so many chains of bondage and my relationship with Christ is like it never has been before. I am powerless, God is All Powerful - it's all about Him, never about me. I am currently serving as a leader in the Step Study. I have 3 amazing sponsees and an sister in Christ that serves along with me, her name is Kelli. I have seen God move in a mighty way in these ladies. I am so grateful to be a part of this amazing program, God is so Good. So this is another thing I am involved in, another thing that takes me away from my family. But I am thankful for it and I trust that God has put everything in my path for His greater purpose and glory. Never my own.

Brian (dear husband) is traveling to Connecticut right now. He travels Sunday afternoon until late Thursday night. So I am in a sense a single mom while he's away. It's at times a heavy burden to bear. Having all of the day to day responsibilities on my shoulders. Yet he is a phone call away. He has 2 more weeks left in Connecticut then he'll be off for 2 weeks then he'll travel to Phoenix for a while. That is not as difficult because his travel time is usually Monday morning till Thursday evening.

I guess I say I feel precarious because life is precarious if you think about it. I do have freedom of choice but since I am a Believer I should take up the Cross and follow Christ. It is no longer about me but about my walk with Him, following His lead, doing His will. I wouldn't say I'm insecure (like one of the precarious definitions) but once I realized that my life really is in God's ands that made me feel vulnerable, but in a good way. I think in a, I fear God way. When you think about how big He is, how everything is filtered through Him and how He holds the earth and the waters and even the universe in His hands, that tends to cause you to feel a bit precarious.