Thursday, July 3, 2008


I still am finding myself putting walls up between myself and those closest to me. Because of habits I've had my whole life from times of abuse as a child I have these bad habits and one of those is to shut down emotionally during times of conflict, to put walls up and let no one penetrate those high walls. I have learned to be emotionally vulnerable with other friends but my trust issues are still difficult when with my significant other. A close friend of mine gave me a suggestion. To tell my husband that during those times where I have the "fight or flight" symptoms to blurt out a word, a word that has no particular meaning accept that I am saying I am feeling a certain way but I can't express it right now. (does that make sense?) She used to say the word "peanut butter" when feeling that way with her husband. That was a clue to him that she was feeling vulnerable and scared but didn't know how to express it and without things escalating he would understand what that meant and just give her a hug and let her know that things will be OK and that he still loves her. Then they would continue the conversation later when she felt better. I think this would signal a time to get with the Lord, to turn to Him for help and to pray for understanding from my significant other. I am learning so much every day, God is gentle by allowing me to see things a little at a time. Slowly but surely there is healing happening in my heart. God is my refuge, my source of strength. Which reminds me of a passage in Psalms.

Psalm 18:1-2

I love you, O Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

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